Ask Bagely!

October 2019

Between shuttling back and forth from the Michigan League to Pierpont Commons for Welcome Wednesdays and monitoring memes all day, Bagely has had a busy fall. But never fear! They (Bagely’s personal pronoun) still found the time to answer the many questions student attendees recently asked over free bagels, coffee, and hot chocolate, sometimes answering a question with a question.

Where are the toasters?

We had special outlets and wiring for the toasters in the Alumni Center that do not exist in the Michigan League Underground or in Pierpont. So until the Alumni Center opens again, you can’t toast me. But toasting makes me crusty, so this gives me a break and a chance for you to moisturize me more with cream cheese.

What is your major?

Sports management, because I fuel athletes.

What bagel are you most attracted to?

Spinach feta, because it is the healthiest and most colorful bagel.

What’s your favorite spread?

Strawberry jam, which makes me sweeter than I already am.

Where are you from?

The boiling, melting pot of New York City.

Where would you study abroad?

A tiny country where they don’t know me. Not Europe, where I would have to compete with baguettes, croissants, and English muffins.

Is it weird that I am attracted to you?

Yes, please step away. Now that I am so popular from all the memes, I need to alert DPSS if someone likes me too much.

Do you have any family?

Yes, but many were eaten and others were composted.

What are your thoughts on the 2020 presidential candidates?

I am not endorsing anyone until someone says “Bagels for all or bust.”

Who are you, Bagely?

Do you want me to have an existential crisis?


 

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